The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
