Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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