Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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