I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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