This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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