my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
