I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
