well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
