mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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