if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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