I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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