I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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