I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
