my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
