I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She said her name was "party"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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