my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There are leaves in my underwear?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
