Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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