im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
