I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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