I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
