Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
