hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
