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when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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