sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
