Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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