It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
