Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
