just tell him i said nine months
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
