All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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