i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
