U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
