I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
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I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
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Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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