Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you still have your period?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
