Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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