there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
