Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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