I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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