I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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