I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
