oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
