i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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