and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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