mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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