i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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