Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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