From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
