I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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