I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
