I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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