Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
