The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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