fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
