She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
