also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
