can we get nightvision for the apartment?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
