all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
