Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
