So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
