why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
