Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
