Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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