I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
