I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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