Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
